Metamorphosis

I have to share the subtle transformation that occurred this week. For the first time since becoming entangled in anorexia, I have glimpsed being free from it!

In my last post, I wrote about turning the whole issue over to my higher source. I surrendered, and listened, doing my best to follow my intuition. I also remembered something I read ~ if you have a spiritual goal and work towards your intention, it will come true. It may not always appear the way we imagine, but it does unfold in miraculous and surprising ways.

So I thought about framing my wish to overcome my eating issues as a spiritual goal. I realized I want to be healthy so I can fulfill my goals and offer my gifts in this life. And, I especially wish to set an example and be healthy and present for my loved ones.

I considered that even though I’m “turning it over” it is also important to keep my supports in place, such as following my food plan and talking to a supportive friend weekly about my progress. (Trust in God, and tie your camel.)  🙂

I was inspired by a young women’s post about her motivation to stay in recovery from her eating disorder so her cherished, departed grandparent wouldn’t worry about her. I thought of my mom who died several years ago and I let myself feel how she loved me completely, and would want me to be healthy and whole.

This somehow led me to an insight that my husband loves me completely, regardless of whether I put on some weight…I don’t have to worry about securing his love anymore. I have known this in my mind for quite some time, but somehow due to my old patterns, the insecurity persisted. All of a sudden I felt a release.

And then the transformation unfolded ~ I could sense a freedom from this inner critical voice. I “got” what my therapist had said about not being driven by food. For instance ~ I want to eat something, so I eat it. (What a concept!) No worrying about what it will do to me, such as putting on weight, affecting my health, and so on….

What a sense of contentment and acceptance.

Now, I can see that having said this, the patterns still pop up, seemingly out of habit. Since  it’s been with me for so long,  at times the pattern may be re-triggered by stress. It is good to know, that as I’m relaxing, and spreading my wings, I can still use my food plan as a guideline for support. And I definitely want to continue to nurture my self in the ways I have found to be helpful, such as talking, meditating/walking in nature, doing things that bring joy, and tuning in to feelings through journaling.

I will actively engage in these life-affirming things, including  writing this blog, to ground myself in this new freedom ~ so I can fly.

Increase the Dose

Ah, so! I realized last week, that I was slowly losing again, and actively in my pattern. It seems I don’t realize it until I become uncomfortable (anxious, low energy) because up until then, it all feels pretty good!

So, I reacted, as I often do, with my critical response (those with anorexia are usually hard on themselves!) and in a critical and serious way began telling myself “I need to eat more!” I kind of forced myself, which ends up backfiring with me, as my digestion gets wacky and my state of being becomes less than balanced.

And then I remembered that my topic to write on this week was planned to be: How to be Love-Driven (rather than Food-Driven). The above quote came to me…and I melted into the question, How can I increase the dose?

I began envisioning myself surrounded with love, and considering what kinds of things I could do to offer myself support. I put a few of my favorite plans on my calendar, such as: go to a yoga class, meet with a good friend, rest and daydream, and so on. I tried being gentle with myself, and affirming that it’s been a stressful year and I am doing pretty well.

I also reminded myself of a breakthrough I experienced in another area of life recently when I prayed and surrendered it all to my higher source. Why not try it with my eating/body issues? I have before, but I’m looking for a deeper level. This trickster is TOUGH and I can’t do it on my own!

I decided to turn it ALL OVER, to surrender and give it completely to that higher source of life, inspiration, and endless guidance and care. What that looked like for me was to tune in more fully, listen to that “still, small voice” inside that knows exactly what I need.

So – I focus on love, and put my mind to what is in front of me to do in my life. If I find I’m focusing too much on food, or anxious thoughts, I try to shift my awareness to loving thoughts, and things that bring me joy ~ like planning a bike ride or picnic with loved ones.

When it is time to eat, I tune in and sense what I want and need. It seems to be a blend of what is healthy for me, what is fitting in the situation (eating with others, etc.) the right amount at the right time for my true health and wellness. If I try to think about all these elements and figure it out (too much? not enough?) it doesn’t work! But if I sense, listen, and follow, it feels right. I also listen while I’m eating as to when it’s the right time to stop. This morning when I reflected on how it was going the past few days, I realized it just looked like being myself 🙂 All the elements I want and need are within and around me.

So far, I feel this approach is helping me let go of worry ~ I know the higher source will take care of me, and that I will get what I need. I am feeling peaceful to start where I am, and go forward little by little. Vamos a ver!